4-24-08

Oh, should one blog when depressed? Monday was just a bad day. I thought my little chick and duckling were big enough that they no longer needed to be separate from the grown hens. So I pulled out the divider. BIG mistake. I went to check on them about 1/2 hour after putting them together to see if the big birds were picking on the little ones and the little turkey chick was not in the pen. Three feet away I saw Dolly feasting on my little turkey. I went in the house and bawled. That was the same morning I discovered that I had lost my camera, and Callie had snapped at me that same morning too. To add bad on top of bad when I got to work at 8 o'clock I discovered I was an hour LATE. The wall schedule said 8 but the route they gave me was a 7 o'clock run. I wasn't in trouble at work because it was their scheduling error. But the 5 people I picked up were not happy campers after waiting for me for an hour. When I got home I went to check on my duckling who is the size and color of a foot ball. I was afraid he would be lonely after losing his turkey buddy. No he wasn't lonely, he was Dolly's dinner. I felt horrible. But I would have never ever thought he could have gotten under the bottom of that cage. Now maybe I would be able to handle all of the above a little better if it weren't for all the worry and grief that I have because of Clayton and church. Clayton definitely has issues, that is not a question BUT he really does have a big heart. He is a rescuer. He is constantly wanting to help people. One time I told him to quit giving this one particular beggar money every time Clayton saw him. I had to tell him that I was sitting in the parking lot watching this guy while Clayton was in the store and honestly the guy was making more money that Clayton did. But even then Clayton didn't stop, he still gives the guy money. He has also been stung by his friends so many times that I beg him to stay away. But he told me once that Christ said to forgive. And told me that if one of his friends called him that day needing help, right after seriously injuring Clayton's feelings by lying to others about him, that he would still have to go and help his friend. He is very very quick to forgive. I should clarify, he is quick to forgive his friends. But now things are going on at church and it is so frustrating. He swears he will never go to church again. He says he is not liked by some members in our ward and that gossip and rumors about him are running rampant. We have had these gossip experiences before with some really bad stuff being said about Kyle that were NOT true. But at least then Bishop M didn't say TO Kyle what he said to me and Derril. Things are different this go around and Derril and I haven't been able to buffer between the bishop and Clayton. Come on, adults, mature adults, have left the church over less than this. It is so heartbreaking to watch my Clay slip away and so frustrating to get no encouragement or help from our ward leaders. I get ache when I read conference talks about "the one" and realize that we do not rank to be one of "the one" that a ward/leader will work so hard with. But talking to others I am finding out more and more of these borderline at risk youth who were finally pushed over the edge and now as adults have not been to church in years and in some cases decades. And each one can tell you what "the bishop" said that final day when they (as youth) decided they would never go back. I don't hold the bishop responsible, actually I hold myself responsible. I go over and over in my head all the things I did wrong or didn't do at all, that would have built Clayton's testimony so he could have withstood the lack of love or interest from his leaders. I had a testimony as a youth but I didn't really have a strong testimony until I was probably 22 or 23. And still today my testimony is growing. I pray every day that as I read my scriptures that my testimony and faith will grow stronger. I love the scriptures, and I love my Savior. I am reading for the first time 'Jesus the Christ'. And the more I learn about Him, the more I love and appreciate all that he has done for me. I truly do love my Savior. Written words cannot express what my heart feels about him. And that is all that I could ever want for my children is that they would know the way that I know about Christ. I could die peacefully if I knew that all of my children were well grounded in their testimony. I feel that Erna, Callie, and Kyle are solid. And I know that Clayton has a testimony of the Savior just like I did at his age. But with Clayton he needs more time to build upon the rock and I had just hoped that I could get help with that through church. That's not going to happen. And now I am afraid he has been pushed off the path into the mist of darkness instead of given a hand to hold onto until he could grasp the rod.