CLAYTON 6-2-08

6-2-08 CLAYTON
Where do I start? My Clayton who has a heart of gold and also has a temper that can and does put holes through walls, is one of my biggest challenges in life. I have given birth and adopted, but can tell you there is absolutely NO DIFFERENCE in the love for a child no matter how they come. Clayton has always struggled with himself. He has felt rejected from birth. No matter what I tell him, he has felt that he was not good enough to be kept by his birth mother. I think that is just how it is for some. I know others who have been adopted and it is not an issue with them at all. For the longest time we have felt that something just wasn't right with his anger and outbursts. The older he gets the scarier it gets. We have taken him to doctors before but didn't get the help we were looking for. When he was little we took him and the doctor suggested behavior therapy. When I asked what that involved I was told that he would be taught to hit a pillow instead of a wall. I remember thinking "can't you help him not be so angry?" We didn't to the behavior therapy. Later we took him to a doctor and suggested that he have ADHD. The doctor looked at Clayton and asked "can you sit through a whole movie, can you concentrate on a video game?" When Clayton answered yes, the doctor responded "then you don't have ADHD" and that was the end of that visit. A year ago when we took him to the doctor again because he was so depressed the doctor gave him some medication but after 1 or 2 pills Clayton gave us the bottle and said he would not take them anymore. They made him feel horrible. Clayton has talked about not wanting to live and my biggest fear in life is that he will do something about that. I remember when the movie Hook came out with Robin Williams and Dustin Hoffman. I couldn't let him watch it because Hook referenced suicide a few times and I was already worried about that. We had purchased the movie and I had to give it away. We have so many holes in the walls of his bedroom where sometimes it is his fist and other times it has been his head that he puts through the wall. He is reckless and has wrecked every vehicle we own at least once. I don't know how many tickets he has had and I am too afraid to ask Derril what our insurance bill is. Truly, I don't know. When he was younger (pre-teen) I remember going to someone's house and the first thing they said was "did you have to bring him". It broke my heart. Especially since they said it right in front of him. I never went back. I remember when he was like 3 years old he was eating cheerios at the breakfast table. He just got up out of his chair and ran down the hall screaming and kicked Derril's chair. I still remember the outfit he was wearing, right down to the white high top shoes he had on. We never bought Cheerios again. The other kids would cringe when I would buy oranges and said please don't let Clayton have any. He would go berserk after eating them. I should tell you though some of the good things. He loves to make and do things for people. The girls at the dentist's office just love him because he will bring them flowers. He will make cookies for friends for Valentine's Day. He tipped the driver of the employee shuttle bus at the airport $10 because she was having a bad day. He came into my room the other day and said "Mom, guess what" I took a few guesses and finally said WHAT. He kissed me on the cheek and said "that's what". He is so hungry and starving for acceptance that he will do ANY THING to be accepted by his "friends". Only they aren't his friends, they are users. They only want him for his money and his car. They don't have a car. All his friends went to a concert. He was not invited. They didn't have one more (free) ticket. But he drove them to the concert and they called him when it was over and he went and picked them up to take them home. He will drop everything for them when they call. When he needs help with something, they don't have time. It is very sad. He is so forgiving of their mistreatment of him though and just keeps on doing for them. We have been continually praying for direction on what to do for Clayton. Well a couple of weeks ago we got a call out of the blue by a counselor in our bishopric. Brother Jones had a cold and wanted to know if Derril would give him a blessing. He didn't want the cold to turn into pneumonia. He insisted on coming to our house instead of us going to his. Derril told him that Clayton was not home and neither was Kyle. So Brother Jones said he would see if Brother Harris could come and so he picked him up on the way to our house. Now I thought it was weird because why he called Derril when there are so many members between our two house but oh well. I told Derril of all member in our ward, those would be the two I would feel most comfortable coming into my house. However I have never had any association with either of them. They just have a real comfortable aura about them. It turns out that Brother Harris' daughter has ADHD. I was out side talking to Sister Jones the whole time the men were in the house. So I didn't know what conversations were going on. But Brother Harris gave Derril the name of his daughter's doctor. Derril took Clayton to this doctor which we were kind of hopeful about because we have always thought Clayton was ADHD. SHOCKED!!! This doctor diagnosed Clayton as bipolar. I was not prepared for this. I didn't think he was bipolar. I still want a second opinion. I don't like that he put him on an anticonvulsant ($1500 per Rx). He gave us a 30 day sample since Clayton has no insurance. (I will have to finish this later, Derril just came in and it is time to read)
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Kathy Maroney says... (Edit / Delete)
"Don't they have anything less expensive?"